Growing up with undiagnosed A.D.D

I was not diagnosed with A.D.D until the age of 22.  Before this diagnosis, I was told I had depression and anxiety.  One day when I was talking to my therapist, she asked me to take a short self-evaluation to see if I had A.D.H.D.  While taking the test, I had so many AHA moments.  It was hard for me to realize that a lot of the traits I hated about myself, were due to a chemical imbalance in my brain.  My therapist said that A.D.D is like an onion and you need to peel back the layers.  This is the reason I was misdiagnosed for so long.

After taking the test, my therapist said that I had A.D.D and had some A.D.H.D qualities but I only had 4 out of the 6 traits.  What I don’t think a lot of people realize is that a girl with A.D.D. is overly sensitive, impulsive (saying and doing things without thinking), and talkative.  A lot of these traits are looked at as the girl being “dramatic” and annoying.  One of the questions on the test was “Do people find you annoying?” and it was at that point that I started wondering how my life would have been if I would have been diagnosed earlier in life.

My whole life I would say things or do things without thinking.  I would question why I would say certain things and literally beat myself up all day over it.  My mind never shut off, I would replay part of my day that didn’t go well over and over in my head.  If I got in trouble, even for something small, my whole day would be ruined.

In elementary school, I was super emotional.  EVERYTHING would make me cry.  I also received a lot of N’s for talking on my report cards.  Now people may think that since I was not diagnosed, I would have done bad in school, but I did well.  I got mostly A’s and B’s with the occasional C.  The thing that people don’t realize is that even though the main trait of A.D.D and A.D.H.D in inattentiveness, people with this also have hyper focus.  If I really liked something (I love to read), I would be so entranced in it that I wouldn’t notice anything around me.  I had teachers that wouldn’t say anything if I was reading in class because at least then I wasn’t talking.

As I got older, my symptoms turned more into mood swings.  The littlest thing would set me off.  If my food was wrong, I wouldn’t eat it.  If someone said something to me and I took it the wrong way, I’d be upset for the longest time.  I always justified my feelings because before I knew I had A.D.D., I felt that these feelings were normal.  My outbursts put a strain on a lot of my friendships.  Looking back, I’m embarrassed with how I was so hard to deal with at times.

After I was diagnosed, I was put on Wellbutrin and it was HORRIBLE!!  It was supposed to help with my depression, anxiety, and my A.D.D.  Everyday I took it, I would start to have an anxiety attack until I went to bed.  I finally stopped taking it and was put on Vyvanse.  To say that starting this medication was life changing, is an understatement.  I was finally able to turn my brain off and not take things so personally.  I was able to focus on my school work and got straight A’s!  The best part was, I stopped having temper tantrums for no reason!

At one point, I was off my meds for a little until my insurance was fixed.  I remember one day I looked at my fiancé (now husband) and just said I’m going to get some food.  I got into my car and just started crying for no reason.  I remember messaging my friends telling them I didn’t know what was going on.  I said I know that what I was feeling was irrational, but I couldn’t help it.  I told them that I didn’t know what was worse, that I use to justify these feelings before or now I know it’s because I need medication.

Being on medication doesn’t fix everything.  I still must make sure that I think before saying and doing things, the medications just helps my body catch up with my mind.  I know that I cannot live with the “what ifs” but I do think about how my life may have been a little easier if I would have found out earlier.  I’m grateful for the people that have stuck by me during the hard years but that’s a post for another time.  I am glad that I am now able to better understand some of my past actions and I try now to do better every day.

I always wonder if my son will have this same chemical imbalance since it is hereditary.  All I can do is look for the signs and guide him the best I can.  Being diagnosed is not a bad thing, having A.D.D. is not something to be ashamed of, it is just part of how your brain is made up.  The best thing you can do is identify it early and find things that work for you.