Just because this is what I wanted, doesn’t make it less hard!

Ever since I was a little girl, all I’ve ever wanted to be was a mom. I can’t even tell you how many baby dolls I accumulated in my childhood. From the age of 12 until the summer after freshman year, I spent many of those weekend nights and summers babysitting. If there was a baby around, you better believe I was holding them.

A good amount of my friends had kids a lot earlier than me. Even though I didn’t have a child yet, I would still go to kid events when invited. To me, it didn’t bother me that hanging out with my friends turned into trips to the zoo. My friends never had to ask, “Is it ok if my baby comes?” because they knew it was never a problem with me. I was open to hanging out with their baby to give them a little break. Some people would call me the baby whisperer because calming them down came so naturally.

July 4, 2016 I took a pregnancy test and it had the faintest line. I was over the moon excited! I called my mom crying. She asked me why I was crying and I said “because this is all I’ve ever wanted.” The truth is, I honestly feel that I was put on this Earth to be a mom. It was finally my turn to have a baby.

My pregnancy was anything but easy. The first three months, I had a horrible rash that itched so much that I went to the ER twice. My blood pressure was high from the second trimester on. Even though I was going through so much (lets be honest, growing a baby without other complications is a lot), I felt like I always got side eyed because “This is what you wanted. How can you be complaining?” Just because this is what I wanted, doesn’t make it less hard.

I will never understand why people think that you should always be overjoyed at all times because it is something you wanted. Yes, I had dreamt about being pregnant my whole life, that doesn’t mean that the pains are magically gone. I shouldn’t have to plaster a smile on my face 24/7 because I wanted this.

I ended up getting induced and had my son by emergency csection. This was definitely not what I had planned but I was finally the mother of a beautiful 8 pound 3 ounce baby boy. Hearing his first cry was everything I had ever dreamt.

Even though my son is the best thing in my life, I still struggle with all that comes with being a mom. I wanted to throw in the towel numerous times during those sleepless nights. I questioned if I was good enough to be his mother when I was unable to comfort him. I try to reassure all the new moms in my life that it is ok to be struggling. I want them to know that no matter what, ALL moms are just winging it. Stop trying to prove yourself to others. Just because this is what you have always wanted, doesn’t make it less hard!